On Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s Day

Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s Day is a day that forces me to look in the mirror and see what a mess I am. Still. It’s been almost two years since we lost our son Steve, and the fact is: I am not whole. I lost a part of myself on November 10, 2023, and I’ll never be whole again. Steve is gone, and I miss him so much, it physically hurts. Still, I wail in the shower when no one is home. But, though it’s hard to explain, I feel his presence. He’s in my heart and in my head, and I talk to him all the time, and I hear him respond. I’m a mess.

I saw a reel about how mothers carry the DNA of their children in their bloodstream. I liked that idea, so I researched it, and it’s actually true. It’s called microchimerism. Fetal cells cross into the mother’s bloodstream and can stay there for decades. Biologically, Steve is still with me. These cells can cross into the placenta of other children the mother might carry. Steve’s brothers have never known life without him in it. From Power Rangers to Kick the Can to fighting over the clicker or the last Oreo, since their birth, Steve was the constant in each of their lives. Who knew the connection was more than this relationship? Microchimerism indicates that Steve will always be a part of them.

Microchimerism and the grief, suffered by ALL mothers who lose a child, are universal. But the grief suffered by a Gold Star mother is unique for one simple reason: Their child served. He or she raised their right hand and pledged to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. And this evokes such pride. We are proud of Steve for voluntarily choosing to enter a dangerous profession, a life of hardship and sacrifice, a life of service to our nation. But let’s be honest. If we’d known this outcome, I’d have tried to talk him into being a high school football coach. These feelings of pride I have are tangled up with my sadness, regret, remorse, and even guilt. We’re a military family with ancestors who have fought in every war since the Revolutionary War. Steve’s parents, great-grandfather, uncle, cousin, and brother are all West Point graduates. Would Steve have joined had there not been this history? In my heart, I know that Steve was doing what he loved doing, what he was put on this earth to do. But, if we hadn’t been a military family, would he be alive today? I wonder.

So Gold Star Mother’s and Family’s day forces me to reflect. And, yes, I’m a mess. I think all Gold Star Families probably are. Our emotions are conflicted, so confused. For me, there’s the intense sadness of missing Steve, our son, combined with the pride of the man he became. There is a ball of emotions that will never be untangled. Life is messy, and so are we. What we can’t resolve, we have to live with. That’s all we can do. We can find solace in knowing that although we may never feel whole again, our children will always be with us.